85 Pounds! – One Year Later
By Kim Cyr
So I got to thinking… in a few days, it’ll be a year since I started working with you. A year since I started this journey. I remember our first meeting where I outlined my goals. My number one was to get back on the soccer field. My number two was to get my mobility back and my number three was to lose weight. I know most people would have weight loss as their number 1 goal but my priorities were a little different. And to achieve 1 and 2, weight loss would be a necessity anyway. I was terrified to start the process. I was embarrassed of the condition I was in. I was afraid that my rheumatoid arthritis was going to sabotage all my efforts. I was worried that people would judge me or even worse, make fun of me. I know all these things sound silly but those fears were real and were almost debilitating. I seriously considered not walking into my first session but I did. And boy do I remember that session. I could barely foam roll. I could barely do anything. I was so embarrassed; I used to be an athlete. I used to be able-bodied. The fact is, I had given up on living years ago. I had let the disease win and convinced myself that I couldn’t and I wasn’t worthy. My life had become Dr. appointments, testing medications to find what controls the disease and managing pain. I used food to make myself feel better. I closed myself off to the world. I shut people out. I didn’t want to experience new things or meet new people, at least not in that body. When you are fat, you are invisible. I know that sounds crazy but stick with me. Yes, people see you, but they don’t really SEE you. They smile at you because they feel sorry for you. I’m lucky that I was never made fun of for my weight. I never received nasty comments but I did get the “you’re face is so pretty” comments. And though people meant well, it still hurt.
I made of list of what being fat is/means and here’s what I came up with.
• Being invisible
• Wanting to eat in private because you know what people are thinking
• Avoiding the dr because you’re embarrassed
• Not being able to tie your shoes
• Watching people have fun and wishing you could participate
• Finding reasons to avoid social situations
• Sitting on a plane in the most uncomfortable position because you
feel sorry for the people next to you and you don’t want to spill over
• Worrying that your seatbelt won’t fit
• Going to amusement parks but not going on any rides because you
know you won’t fit
• Lonely and isolating
• Avoiding making connections with people
• Understanding the sadness in other big people’s eyes
• Being overly nice to people so they won’t be disgusted by you
• Avoiding looking in mirrors because what you see looking back at you is disgusting
• Avoiding clothes shopping with people because you don’t fit in regular sizes
• Not being able to buy clothes in a regular store
• Worrying about weight limits on things (chairs, step stools etc…)
• Understanding that people think you’re lazy, dirty, gross
• Hoping your nieces aren’t embarrassed to be around you. And understanding that if they aren’t, they will be once they reach a certain age.
• Not being able to sit with your legs crossed
I’m sure I could come up with many more…
So here I am a year later and I am in a completely different spot. I am happy to say almost all of the items on this list no longer apply to me. Sure I still have struggles and my brain hasn’t caught up with my body yet but it will get there. Now instead of fat, people call me tiny, small, athletic and muscular. I usually look around to see who they are talking to and then realize it’s me. I’m not good with compliments but I am working on that. I’ve had numerous people tell me that I am an inspiration. I’ve even heard hero and role model. These words are uncomfortable for me because I don’t think I am doing anything special. I am just doing what I am supposed to do. But if I can spark someone else to take this journey then I am more than
willing to put myself out there. I have been very open about all of this on Facebook because I know my successes and struggles may just help someone else who is going through the same thing.
This past year has been a challenge but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ve worked through illness and injuries. I never gave up. I never dreamed I’d be where I am now. I’m not going to lie, I wish I’d be further along than I am but I’ve worked through some setbacks. And to lose 85 fucking pounds in less than a year is pretty fucking amazing!! So yes, I am proud. I worked hard for that shit.
One thing that I have gained over the year is tons of support. When you do personal training, you don’t really get to know the gym members. So I never really considered myself to be part of the “fitfam”. But I do feel the energy from the classes and I have become acquainted with some of the members. Their strength and positivity have helped me push myself. And I love seeing the familiar smiling faces. I love the community at AM. The coaches are incredible and I’ve had the pleasure to work with both LeighAnn and Spencer and both are amazing. I haven’t worked with Greg or Nicole but I am sure they are just as awesome.
So, back to my goals… I am happy to say that I’ve achieved all 3. 1) I have made my way back to the soccer field. This is a HUGE accomplishment because I really didn’t think it would ever happen. Yes, it was a goal but I honestly didn’t think my knees and ankles would hold up. And although my level of play isn’t where I would like it to be, just stepping out on the field is a win. 2) My mobility is back and I can do the simple things. Yes, I live with pain and that won’t ever go away but I think I am better equipped to handle it. And keeping my joints moving has certainly helped. 3) As mentioned earlier. I am down 85 pounds. I still have more to go but I am confident that I will get to where I need to be.
Thank you, Mike Harland, for never judging me, for pushing me, for not letting my attitude get the best of me (yes I am stubborn and feisty)
for writing programs to make me stronger (even though I don’t think I am strong enough yet), for working around my illness, for working around my injuries and for believing in me. So how do you properly thank someone for helping you save your life? I think the best way to thank you is through my actions and not giving up; to continue the journey and keep improving. To show you that your efforts haven’t been wasted. And that’s exactly what I plan to do. I am including some before and “now” pictures. I am not calling them after pictures because I am not done yet. I am going to end this with one of my favorite lines. “I didn’t come this far to only come this far”